Putin Denies Being ‘Anywhere Near’ Taco Bell

December 7, 2006

Calls Linking Him
To E-Coli Outbreak
‘Pure Fantasy’

By ANDY BOROWITZ
http://www.borowitzreport.com

Russian President Vladimir Putin lashed out today at accusers who have pointed the finger at him in recent days for the outbreak of e-coli infections at several Taco Bell restaurants in New Jersey, New York and Pennsylvania.

President Putin, already on the defensive over accusations that he poisoned former Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko with radioactive sushi, held a press conference at the Kremlin today to offer his categorical denial of any involvement in the Taco Bell poisonings.

“I have not been anywhere near Taco Bell,” a visibly angry Mr. Putin told reporters. “Anyone who says I have done so is trading in pure fantasy.”

But despite Mr. Putin’s vehement statements to the contrary, several restaurant managers of the Taco Bell chain said that they saw a balding man resembling the Russian President skulking around their restaurants in recent days.

“I saw this sneaky-looking guy in a trench coat carrying a test tube of something funky and I was like, that is totally that evil Russian dude,” said Tracy Lamant, a manager of one of the New Jersey Taco Bells that was hit by the e-coli outbreak.

But according to Davis Logsdon, who heads up the University of Minnesota’s Institute of International Espionage, it is “highly unlikely” that Mr. Putin would start the spread of e-coli at Taco Bell restaurants in order to murder former Russian spies.

“First of all, there’s no evidence that Russian spies eat American fast food,” Dr. Logsdon. “Secondly, if they do, they’ll die pretty soon anyway.”

Elsewhere, the Iraq Study Group published its report on the current state of Iraq, entitled “A Million Little Pieces.”

Andy Borowitz’s New Book – $11.53 at Amazon.com

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