November Surprise Sex Shocker

November 7, 2006

G.O.P. Backs Same-Sex Massage

Republicans Surprise Voters with Election Day Hail Mary

By ANDY BOROWITZ
Borowitzreport.com

In one of the most stunning November surprises in recent memory, the Republican Party today declared its unequivocal support for a constitutional amendment legalizing same-sex massage.

Buffeted in recent weeks by sex scandals involving former congressman Mark Foley and conservative evangelist Ted Haggard, the G.O.P had been expected to steer clear of any issues that might remind the electorate of those controversies — making its decision to back a same-sex massage amendment all the more startling.

But at a press conference at the White House, top Republican tactician Karl Rove said that the G.O.P. had decided to adopt an “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” strategy to win over undecided voters on Election Day.

“This constitutional amendment defines massage as a rub-down between a man and a man, one of whom may or may not be selling crystal meth,” Mr. Rove said.

The same-sex massage amendment was not the only Hail Mary pass thrown by a Republican on Election Day, as Virginia senate candidate George Allen attempted to close the gender gap in his race by announcing that he was a woman.

Mr. Allen, who did not know he was Jewish until earlier this year, said he made a similar discovery about his gender on the eve of the midterm election.

“When I discovered that I was a woman after all of these years of believing I was a man, all I could think was, ‘Oy,'” Mr. Allen said.

Elsewhere, an Iraqi court sentenced former dictator Saddam Hussein to death by hanging or by living in Baghdad, whichever comes first.

Andy Borowitz’s New Book – $11.53 at Amazon.com

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