Cool Justice Report Classified Ad:

October 17, 2006

News & Commentary

Many Exciting Jobs Available At Enfield Town Hall

By ANDY THIBAULT and JIM BREWER
The Cool Justice Report
http://www.cooljustice.blogspot.com
Oct. 17, 2006

EDITOR’S NOTE: This column is available for reprint courtesy of The Cool Justice Report, http://cooljustice.blogspot.com

The Cool Justice Report, in response to requests from readers, is offering a new classified advertising section. The first installment features a myriad of job offerings at Enfield Town Hall.

INTERNAL FORENSIC BID AUDITOR / ENFORCER

Make sure huge change orders are paid when bids come in and are awarded at half the price it takes to get jobs done.

Special Incentives: free Red Sox tickets and all-expenses paid vacations in Vero Beach and Boston.*

Also, home theater system priced at $799. Your price, at or below cost.

* NO NEED to report or reimburse. They’re only gifts!!!

MAP AND PUBLIC RECORDS SHREDDER

Help depress property values until our people can cash in. In honor of the famous arsonist Marvin The Torch, who made a living building empty lots, your job is to build empty files.

Affirmative action status given to former members of the Stasi, East German secret police.

Special Incentives: stainless steel tub dishwasher priced at $799. Your price, at or below cost. No installation charges.

FAST TRACK ZONING APPROVAL FACILITATOR

Make sure our people go where no one else has gone before – around historic designation status and through other barriers that prevent construction.

Special Incentives: side by side refrigerator priced at $999. Your price, at or below cost.

PIZZA DELIVERY AND ELECTRICIAN SPECIALIST

No permits required. Install fixtures, wiring, etc. at select private homes. Experience as a state contractor is a big plus, especially if we can pad your new jobs.

Special Incentives: ultra capacity plus washer and dryer priced at $899. Your price, at or below cost.

ROAD RAGE WARRIOR AND POLICE LIAISON

Responsible for handling delicate, off- the- books police interactions. Demonstrated ability to dent cars when required. Good golf swing a plus. Sign-up bonus for track record as pathological liar. Must be able to say with straight face: “We don’t wanna hurt no nuns.”

Special incentives: Vera Wang queen firm plush mattress set priced at $1,199. Price for your colleagues – at or below cost. For you, nothing, plus lifelong free dinner at all restaurants in town.

Watch for more job opportunities at The Cool Justice Report. Andy Thibault, author of Law & Justice In Everyday Life and a private investigator, is an adjunct lecturer of English and a mentor in the MFA writing program at Western Connecticut State University. He also serves as a consulting editor for the literary journal Connecticut Review. Website, http://www.andythibault.com and Blog, http://cooljustice.blogspot.com

Jim Brewer, a former civil rights litigator, is a photojournalist and a contributing writer for The Justice Journal and Inquiring News. Brewer served as a lieutenant in the U.S. Army, commanding a military police unit at a nuclear weapons site in Germany, and as a prosecutor in New Jersey. Both writers are members of the Society of Professional Journalists.

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    One Response to “Cool Justice Report Classified Ad:”

    1. Anonymous Says:

      Hey how do I get one of those jobs? Where are they advertised in the JI? Oh thats right they aren’t on top of this.


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