Size Does Not Matter: Kim Jong-Il

October 12, 2006

‘The Earth Moved,’ Claims North Korean Dictator

By ANDY BOROWITZ
Borowitzreport.com

Just days after U.S. officials expressed their doubts about the size of North Korea’s recent nuclear test, North Korean president Kim Jong-Il lashed out at his American doubters today, releasing a terse statement from Pyongyang asserting that “size does not matter.”

On Tuesday, the U.S. Geological Survey (USGS) measured the North Korean nuclear blast at a magnitude of 4.2 and released the following statement: “Based on our measurements, what Kim Jong-Il actually has is much smaller than what he claims he has.”

This statement drew a fierce rebuttal from Mr. Kim, who said that the size of the blast did not matter, adding that other factors such as “strength and endurance” must be taken into account when evaluating a nuclear test.

Those comments did not go unanswered for long, however, as the USGS responded that the blast lasted only 2.3 seconds, adding, “That may have been good for him, but it was not good for us.”

Those remarks from the USGS only seemed to inflame the mercurial Kim, who then issued the following statement: “The undeniable truth is that the earth moved.”

Moments after Mr. Kim made his remarks, however, they were refuted by White House spokesman Tony Snow, who made the following dismissive comment to reporters: “The earth may have moved for him, but we were not feeling much on this end.”

Elsewhere, Rep. Jim Kolbe (R-Ariz.) defended his decision to take two congressional pages with him on a three-day camping trip to the Grand Canyon, telling reporters, “They were safer there than in Congress.”

Andy Borowitz’s New Book – $11.53 at Amazon.com

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