Americans’ Greatest Fear

October 9, 2006

Poll: Majority of Americans Fear
Being Instant-Messaged By a Republican

Tops Terrorism, North Korean Nukes in New Survey

By ANDY BOROWITZ
Borowitzreport.com
Oct. 8, 2006

A new survey released today indicates that a majority of Americans are more afraid of being instant-messaged or emailed by a Republican congressman than they are of terrorism, rising oil prices, or North Korea destroying the world with a nuclear weapon.

Anecdotal evidence in recent days has suggested that Americans are increasingly concerned about receiving unwanted electronic communications from a Republican lawmaker, but the new poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, offers a measure of just how deep those concerns run.

When asked to name their number one fear, 8% said “losing my job to outsourcing,” 10% said “not being able to afford to fill up my car with gas,” 14% said “North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il blowing up the world with a nuclear weapon,” while a whopping 65% said “being instant-messaged by a horny Republican.”

Carol Foyler, the director of GOPervWatch, a watchdog group that warns parents about their children’s Internet contact with pervy Republicans, said that there are simple ways for parents to determine if their kids have been chatting online with a filthy-minded G.O.P. lawmaker.

“As parents, it’s our responsibility to monitor who our children are talking to online,” Ms. Foyler said. “If you hear your child start to use phrases like ‘tax cut,’ ‘stay the course,’ or ‘family values,’ those are danger signs that he has been chatting with a horny Republican.”

Elsewhere, eliminating such snacks as potato chips and doughnuts from school lunch menus could help curb childhood obesity, according to a new study published today in “Duh” magazine.

Andy Borowitz’s New Book – $11.53 at Amazon.com
Andy Borowitz’s New Book – $11.53 at Amazon.com

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